An open letter to the people at the gym
Dear “Whitey Tighties” Guy In The Locker Room:
Please refrain from strutting around the locker room in only your underwear like you are God’s gift to everyone. The full-length mirror on the wall is not for stripping down to your skivvies and then slapping/flexing your thighs and puffing up your chest. And if you do end up posing in front of the mirror, please refrain from doing it more than once in various stages of dress/undress. No one wants to see your junk, scrawny legs or stomach overhang.
And this kind of goes for most of the guys in the gym: the mirrors are in the gym proper for two reasons: safety and symmetry. Not narcissism. You look ridiculous comparing legs by hiking up your gym shorts and even more ridiculous when you stealthily lift your shirt to stair at your midsection. No one buys the story that you’re wiping your face with your shirt or that your shirt naturally comes up like that when you are standing still. The vast majority of you are not bodybuilders, nor are you Marky Mark.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Phil
December 20, 2008 at 11:20 am | Random | No comment
Like the guy with “Free Candy” painted on the side of his van
So, my car started having issues after I successfully failed to drive it up an on-ramp, stalling IR PHIL into stuttering, vibrating convulsions. This morning I took it to a shop (which shall remain nameless) and after a day of working from home and wondering how many organs I’d have to sell to afford repairs or a new vehicle, I was pleasantly surprised by their findings; a couple hundred dollars and my car runs smooth as silk. They did a great job on the car. Their shuttle service, however, left much to be desired.
First, they don’t technically have a shuttle service. The owner or manager drives the person to their destinations in his old Jeep. Which is stained on the inside. And it smells like cigarettes and alcohol.
Second, it smells like cigarettes because the guy smokes while you’re in the vehicle. He was at least nice enough to roll down my window.
We also listened to Fox News Radio, the fair and balanced station. This explained the following conversations we had in-transit to and from the shop:
The economy:
Him: So, Phil, what do you think of this economy?
Me: Yeah, it’s rough right now.
Him: I think it’ll bounce back soon, especially when the media gets out of it.
Me: Uh huh. I think it’ll bounce back eventually. They always jump on the smallest details and then blow them out of proportion; it makes people panic.
Him: Well, there’s that and there’s the other political theory: The New York Times has been making this whole economy crisis worse then it is to make Bush look bad, then when Obama gets into office they’ll turn it around and everything will be fine.
Me: (Silence) Yep.
The teacher who had sex with the handicapped student:
Him: I don’t know about high school now, but when I was in high school, I wouldn’t have had sex with any of my teachers. No way.
Me: (Uncomfortable laughter) Yep, it wasn’t much different for me either.
Him: That Lafave though. Boy, if I were 17 or 18 again, I would have done that in a heartbeat.
Me: (Nervous laughter and silence)
Minnesota women:
Him: They sure got some pretty girls up there in Minnesota, though.
Me: Yep. It’s all of those Swedes and Norwegians.
Him: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. When I was in my twenties, a buddy of mine and I hit up the state fair circuit as business salesmen. We were young. And boy, we’d work during the day and then at nights we’d have fun! Yeah. This one time we were up in MInnesota and my buddy took this one girl back to our place, and I had a girl in the back of the van. She was the prettiest gal. And you know what? I lost her number. Dammit. I just wish I had kept that number. Anyway, she was the prettiest and just the neatest girl. And she was a Swede, yessir. I just couldn’t believe I lost her phone number.
Me: (Nervous laughter and silence)
Global warming:
Him: You know what another thing is that’s a load of shit? Global warming. You know the media is all over that too.
Me: (Weary of his views and deciding to just play along) Yeah, they do.
Him: Did you know that the hottest dates recorded in almost every state happened between the 1880s and 1949? Now how does that work?
Me: (Making something up) You know, that is weird. You’d think that it would be getting hotter now if global warming were taking place.
Him: That’s right! I don’t get how that works either. In fact, I think it’s been the coldest here that I can remember.
Me: (Again making something up) Back in Minnesota, I actually think that last year we had some of the coldest days in history. Now that doesn’t sound like global warming to me.
Him: (Laughing) Now I don’t see how Minnesota could get any colder! I mean, it’s cold up there.
Fin
And with that, I’m playing Fallout 3 and it kicks ass. I’ll review it more later on as I near its completion.
December 11, 2008 at 12:09 am | Random | No comment
Miami is nice, so I’ll say it thrice….
So, we’d been planning this trip to Art Basel in Miami since August but dizziness, exhaustion and the onset of a cold sent us home roughly 18 hours after arriving (cutting our trip short by three days). We didn’t see any of the art exhibitions, but we did see enough to warrant commentary. Oh, and if you can successfully identify the source material of this post’s title, you’ll get a pat on the back.
1) South Beach looks like it’s still trapped in the decadence of the 80′s Art Deco revival. The people in general might be dressed contemporarily, but the architecture and neon on everything screams pastel suits and Don Johnson. On top of that, friends and I counted roughly six Lamborghinis over six square blocks of the beach area.
2) While there for Art Basel, a really fun game to play is “Art Hipster or Homeless Guy?” Huh, I guess this game already exists.
3) While sitting near the beach, we saw a woman walking a dog that had a shirt, bandana and baseball cap on. No big deal, people dress their dogs all the time, right? While true, most people do not dress their dogs in people clothes that have been affixed to the dog in some awkward and seemingly uncomfortable fashion. Upon closer inspection it was clear that the dog was wearing an XL t-shirt that had been wrapped and safety pinned together and the baseball cap was tied to the dog’s head with shoe laces. Don’t imagine a chin strap; just imagine wrapping shoe laces around a dog’s head and that’s what it was like. Oh, and she kept talking to the dog like one would talk to a regular human.
4) It is never too early to be fashionable. At roughly 8:00 a.m. we saw a couple crossing the street. She was in a short skirt with leggings and boots. Not too abnormal. He, on the other hand was sporting tight black jeans, canvas sneakers, a leather jacket, a scarf, sunglasses and a holster. He didn’t have a gun, just a holster. And it was like 80 degrees in the sun.
5) If you’ve ever felt inadequate when looking at wafer-thin mannequins parading about store fronts, Miami will succeed in making you feel worse. I think they’re fake.
6) I was disappointed to learn that the house lived in by the Golden Girls was not actually in Miami and that the facade that was used for exterior shots was destroyed in 2003 when Disney-MGM tore down Residential Street in their Orlando theme park. I guess that getting my picture taken at that locale will forever be crossed off of my checklist of things to do before I die.
Screw you Disney and your damned Lights, Motors, Action! Extreme Stunt Show.
And with that, I’m off. Only a couple more hours until I’m finished with Bioshock, then it’s on to researching zombies brought on by the nuclear holocaust, thanks to Fallout 3.
December 6, 2008 at 1:09 am | Art, Random | No comment
The Beauty of Corporate America
Hi faithful readers! It’s admittedly been a very long time since I last updated this blog. I’ll try harder to keep everyone up to date a little more frequently. So, here’s the dilly-o on my happenings:
- I have a piece that will be displayed at the Illinois Institute of Art’s Gallery 350 (in Chicago) from December 9, 2008–January 23, 2009. What’s that? A show in Chicago? Yep. It’s called Make Me An Offer. Take a look.
- I’ve been spending some quality time with Bioshock on PS3. Wow. The game is pretty freaking sweet. The story is incredibly well-done for an FPS and the ambiance is impeccable. I’m on my second play-through, and although I know what’s going to happen, I’m still giddy. Aaaah… I love bleak, dystopian stories.
- Work is going pretty well. I think that perhaps one of the best parts of working for a corporation and being housed in a business complex is that the bathrooms are clean. I remember going to college with the misconception that since my floor-mates were all adults, we’d have fairly clean stalls. Finally, after almost 8 years I’m living my public bathroom dream. God bless America.
And that’s about it. Until next time, true believers. Go eat some turkey and pass out. (For my vegetarian friends, go eat some sort of vegetarian-Thanksgiving-turkey-substitute and pass out.)
November 24, 2008 at 11:30 pm | Art, Gaming, Random | No comment
George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead
Be warned, this is a LONG entry, but it touches on a lot. Even racism! Woo hoo!
So, to treat myself tonight while I’m holed up with a bad back and two (now) unused tickets for the Tampa Bay Lightning and Carolina Hurricanes game, I decided to watch George Romero’s most recent foray into the canon he himself crafted: the zombie genre. If you’re unaware, the foray of which I speak is Diary of the Dead, a film that looks to re-invent the “of the Dead” series.
The plot follows the typical zombie fare—reasonably attractive individuals realize something screwy is happening and then try to escape their shambling pursuers, with a number of them dying/coming back/dying again. While it doesn’t sound much like a re-invention, Romero himself explains that this is a story about the beginning of the outbreak, the first few days (much like Night of the Living Dead) not a continuation as seen in the previous three movies succeeding Night (Dawn, Day and Land).
Another piece of this un-dead puzzle is that the entire film is supposedly seen through the lens of a student-filmmaker who is using prosumer HD cameras to capture and re-tell the events that transpired. Throughout, there are also clips interspersed that have been downloaded from the internet, clips that build upon the myth and give it a truly global reach. While this is a novel idea and gives this zombie movie a new, emotional and involving twist, it also causes the film to feel a little bit shaky (metaphorically more so than literally).
First of all, if you haven’t seen a movie shot in POV, then go watch The Blair Witch Project and/or Cloverfield. I’ll wait until you’ve had the chance to watch them.
Done? Good.
Now, go watch Diary of the Dead. See the difference? Now, I understand that Diary opens with the main heroine, Deb, explaining that the movie we’re about to watch was shot on two HD cameras and was cut by her on a laptop. Okay, Romero, you’ve covered your butt. However, when you actually watch the film, it feels anything BUT home-made.
What’s that Mr. Romero? All of the protagonists are in film school? That would explain how their shots are all expertly framed and how, in general, the action is pretty well in-focus. But, the protagonists’ credentials don’t excuse the high-quality YouTube footage of a girl in Tokyo or a couple of rednecks who sure as hell wouldn’t have the cash to purchase an HD camera, let alone the chops to edit the footage. Add to that all of the astonishingly high-quality surveillance equipment and the viewer will have to suspend disbelief in order to accept that a good chunk of this movie is supposedly “found footage.”
My other issue with the filming is that there wasn’t any humanity in it. People are being attacked, and the camera rolls. Scratch that—BOTH cameras roll. There were a plethora of scenes in which I wanted to scream at the TWO people holding the cameras when one of their friends is being eaten no more than three feet away. Who cares if you can’t see the zombie’s head explode; put the damned camera down and help your friend.
Oh, wait—everybody is dead and so you have to hold the camera because the only other living person is currently being attacked. Oh now it all makes sense. For a moment I thought it was just that you were a jerk, but instead it’s because you’re an ass. Nice job, ass. I hope your friend comes back to life and chews on your face.
For me I had problems connecting to characters who failed to come to the aid of their good friends for the sake of getting it all on camera. I watched a lot of blurry, shaky ground and feet and darkness in Cloverfield and still hope that more people will survive the next time I watch it. Diary left me feeling kind of empty.
However, I suppose some of that emptiness was due, in part, to the ham-fistedness of the cardboard cutouts who were on-screen. I will admit that all of the stereotypes that I expected were broken half-way through the film and everyone settled into their characters. It just sucks that all the characters were pretty much the same. It sucked even more that “the same” was angsty, clichéd and fairly unlikeable. I shouldn’t be rooting for a person to live just because I know that someone HAS to live.
And what was with the weird racist vibe I got from all of the black characters? At one point in the film, the protagonists get ambushed by a trio of powerful and armed black men. After being taken to their hideout, an exchange occurs in which one of the captors explains their reasoning for staying behind saying something to the extent of “We’re finally in power. When all of this went down, everyone without a sun tan left.” Maybe it’s because I just read a couple articles on whites vs. the world and watched American History X, but here is how I break down this group of decidedly “outsider” individuals:
1) The black men and women are ALL big and strong. It’s like that one Vogue cover with Lebronn and Gisele; I would like to be the first person to welcome back loaded stereotypes and will do so with a firm handshake and warm smile. I really missed you.
2) What’s the deal with the power comment? They’re 65 miles from Scranton, PA; while I understand that America subconsciously holds racism close to its heart, wouldn’t that area have been northern territory from the start? Had they been in the deep south, I would have understood the implications. Could you have made it any more implicit that as soon as white guys drop their guard, black people will rise up and take control? And now that I think of it, I don’t remember any non-white zombies anywhere in the film.
3) I sure am glad that, in a moment of confusion, the black people kill a non-zombie black man on accident and a white guy saves the day by killing the actual black zombie. Thank heavens that a white guy was there to save the others from themselves.
And I guess this leads me to my final disappointment with the film. One of the things Romero has been lauded for is his ability to weave social commentary into his horror stories. Night of the Living Dead? Race and paranoia. Dawn of the Dead? Mass consumerism and humanity’s emotional shortcomings. Day of the Dead? Military control, seclusion and the balance of force vs. reasoning. Land of the Dead? Mass paranoia, again, and the failures of public reliance on the perceptual good-intentions of governing bodies. Don’t worry, I’m not going to say that Diary does not have a social commentary. It does. And, thankfully, it’s made glaringly obvious in the first 5 minutes of the movie. And it’s not told through anecdote or action or subtlety; it’s beat into your brain by a voice-over. It’s kind of like admitting that the movie wasn’t quite good enough on its own without explaining it to the audience.
Overall, it wasn’t bad, but it’s definitely not my favorite zombie movie. The idea was novel, but the execution was lacking. Kudos to Romero, though, for re-defining the of the Dead mythos but I think that to succeed, the series is going to need a little more punch to re-animate its shambling, undead roots.
October 11, 2008 at 11:04 pm | Art, Random | No comment
Jobbing it
So, I’ve finally got a new job. Actually, “finally” is a bit of a hyperbolation—by Friday I’ll have finished up 13 days of working 9-5:30 and I’ll have a pretty big project under my belt.
The place I work for is Checkers Drive-In, Inc. and instead of working the fry line, I’m a corporate designer, commuting from the burbs to down-town and back; wearing slacks, button-up and collared shirts and shined shoes; and hanging out not in a cubicle, but still kind of a cubicle. Yep, that’s me!
Actually, in all honesty, it’s a pretty damn-sweet gig. I have the opportunity to go to food photo shoots from time to time, eventually I’ll get to try new sandwiches before they make it to the masses and right now I’m working on a super-secret project that I can’t tell you about yet, but will as soon as it launches.
On top of everything, there are two full-time designers and one “freelancer” in corporate, which means that I’ll have my hands in a lot of different projects. Plus my manager really wants our in-house department to shine (which I do too; we’re going straight to the top of the QSR chain) and so we’re going to be pushing for higher concept/creative.
The downside? We’ll forever be in the shadow of Rap Cat.
September 17, 2008 at 9:17 pm | Design, Random | No comment
A star is born
Actually, the star was born in 1982, but it shined brightly last Wednesday night at a group performance piece at the Contemporary Art Museum (CAM) in Tampa, Florida.
The exhibition is titled Mash Up and it’s all about the destruction of music. One of the installation/performance/video pieces is by Pedro Reyes, an artist who has staged (now) three opportunities for individuals to jam karaoke-style to their favorite songs, wailing on 1/4″ MDF guitars. At some point during the performance, the participant smashes the guitar, ending the song and looking like a bad-ass in the process.
I got the opportunity to participate (I think there were maybe 17 participants total in the Tampa piece) and will now live on in infamy as a piece of Pedro Reyes’s The New Group Therapies: Part III (Instant Rockstar) which will hopefully travel the world (I know his last two have gone international to some extent).
Here’s a clip from the channel 10 news. I am true to form, with an idiotic sound byte, but then make up for it by being the capstone at the end of the segment.
For those of you keeping track at home, the song I chose was Final Countdown by Europe.
September 1, 2008 at 6:41 pm | Art, Random | No comment
Blog. I knew thee well.
So, it has come to my attention that at some moment in time, probably within the last 48 hours, I wiped out my blog.
“How could he do this?” you might be asking yourself. The answer is simple: I literally wiped out the entire database that housed the original posts.
Am I sad? Not really. Facebook has been kind enough to save all of my old postings and so, although they are absent from this blog, they still exist.
Keep watching. I’ll be back.
With a vengeance.
August 28, 2008 at 10:54 pm | Random | No comment